Blended Families Can Be Challenging Part 2
December 11, 2015
I feel torn between my Kids and my Girlfriend…
My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year, partying and having fun. Sometimes we get into the alcohol a little bit too much, and have hangovers the next morning. Nights in the bar cost a lot of money! She is 9 years younger than I am and she loves going to the bar to play pool. She is pretty, and fun to be with, and we get along great.
My kids come over on their designated weekends. There have been times we were sick and too worn out to be available to do things with them. We don’t have money for activities.
It takes a lot of energy to take care of the shopping, meal preparation and house cleaning. The girls avoid doing the chores. Nobody wants to do the work. My daughters at 14 and 12 years old, started complaining that it was no fun to come visit, they’d rather go visit their friends.
I asked my girlfriend to slow down on the drinking, so we can be in better shape when the girls come over. Last weekend we made plans to do family activities with the girls. My girlfriend agreed to participate with us, but when her friends said they were going out, she chose to go with them. So my girls and I had a nice day, but it was not the great day that we had planned.
My girls went through a lot when their mom and I divorced, I have been careful not to pull them into my casual relationships. This girlfriend was different in that we get along so well. I wanted us to start becoming more of a family. But it looks like she just wants to party and be with her friends. My daughters are mad at me, and just want to be with their friends!
I miss my girlfriend. I want both my girlfriend AND my daughters in my life. I’m feeling alone again. I want family life to be more important than everybody’s friends!
Answer: Does alcohol use get in the way? Often people hide behind alcohol if they don’t see ways of getting their emotional and belonging needs met. Drinking less would be a good start. Being healthier and more alive for your children would help you enjoy them more.
Relationships get developed in stages. The dating, flirting, having fun, getting to know each other stage often gets confused as being more powerful and alluring then the more mature stages of loving. Dating, having fun together, having mutual attraction, is supposed to prepare you to work together as a couple, build confidence and trust in each other. Looks like you and your girlfriend are stuck at the first level of being a couple!
Being able to prioritize needs with your partner, set goals together, allows you to build family life. Deeper stages of love require a maturity, an ability to cultivate a loving, safe environment. Has your girlfriend had a chance to start getting to know your children? Are your ideas of parenting and step parenting similar? Do your daughters like her? Does she like them? Are you inclusive with all of them?
Being able to discuss the deeper aspects of being a family can make the difference in the quality of life you get to experience. Asking your girlfriend what her 5 year vision of the future and comparing it to yours may help you see what is possible.
We have another article here on the same subject. Click here for more on blended families.
Written by Corinne Mackenzie
Crystal Clear Energy Medicine
Phone: (250) 852-1580
750 Fortune Dr #32
Kamloops, BC V2B 2L2
Therapy Right Now