You need anger management skills; when you go off on a tirade, when your emotional response does not match the situation, when you get triggered into an automatic violent response to other people’s behavior.
So many times people equate personal power with intimidation or tyranny and bully behavior. Manipulative control patterns can be subtle. We can be conditioned into compliant behavior, then be resentful. When you look at it, the ability to choose how you want to respond to someone or a situation is changing the story. You can choose the “Highest Potential Outcome”.
What fits best for you?
When was the last time you were presented with a “choice”, a request or an offer from someone? Did you feel there was an agenda? Maybe there was an unspoken threat or ultimatum?
Body Language and Tone of Voice
I’m thinking of my own life as a young married woman, I asked my partner to participate in events or projects when he clearly didn’t want to participate. The tone of voice I’d use, or my body language would show tension, frustration, escalating anger, when I encountered resistance or apathy to my desire or need. The words of giving a choice would be cancelled out by the demand embedded in the bigger communication picture.
Giving in to the threat of emotional blackmail or the threat of violence or distancing, withholding behaviors is giving away your personal choice. Behavior isn’t a true choice if it is demanded. When a person continually gives away their choice, their sense of power, their voice gets smaller, resentments set it. This process kills intimacy, and is the time when anger management skills are very helpful in dispensing tension.
Both parties need to have a voice, dignity and power to get their own needs met.
Win/win negotiations can include timing changes or the faces involved in the experiences, to achieve the best fit. Both partners need to discuss their needs, desire, establish mutual and individual goals and outcomes.
You can use a set of guidelines or boundaries to make it fair for all involved in your problem solving. Choose to live violence free. Choose to have dignity. Choose to have a relationship where there is room to grow and develop, have your needs met in a healthy balanced way. Experience peace, and joy within yourself and in your relationship because your voice is heard and matters. Look for making valid choices based on your personal power.
For more information on dealing with family troubles read our article on blended families.